How to Best Support Your Friend with an Autistic Child
Our understanding of autism is constantly evolving, and as of 2021 the CDC reported that 1 in 44 children in the US are diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). As this happens, chances are you have a friend or family member whose child is autistic.
While autism has officially enter our general cultural awareness (see shows like Atypical and The Good Doctor), many people are still unsure how to best support a friend with an autistic child.
As a parent and professional, I can tell you that the TV shows, characters in books, and pop-cultural references have done a lot to open up conversations about autism, BUT they are not necessarily a dependable reference on how to be a good friend and supporter to the special needs families in your life.
Instead, here are some ways you can support parents and caregivers of autistic children, and tips on how to handle some common situations.
5 Ways to Best Support Your Friend Who Has an Autistic Child
1. Listen
The single best advice I can give anyone who wants to support a friend with an autistic child is to listen. It seems too simple to be important, but one of our most basic human needs is to be heard and seen.
As parents of neurodiverse children, we spend a lot of time learning, listening, advocating, and supporting our children. To have a friend simply listen to us with an open mind is a gift.
Active listening and empathetic listening can be especially helpful because they require us to give our full attention to the other person.
Repeating back to someone what they said to ensure that you understand them is the cornerstone to active listening. This is not just for therapy sessions! It can go a long way in making a deeper connection with your friends.
Empathetic listening takes this one step further. It means that you understand and are reflecting back the other person’s emotional experience. When our emotions are articulated and validated by someone we trust, it helps us feel fully seen.
Typically, these listening techniques include:
Being non-judgemental.
Listening closely with 100% attention.
Allowing room for silence and emotion.
Using verbal and nonverbal signals to show that we are listening and understanding.
These are all powerful because they require us to listen for the sake of listening and NOT to jump in with advice or our experiences.
There will be times when you can comfort your friend with words of encouragement, and there will be many times when listening is more than enough.
2. Remember that every child, family, and circumstance is different.
Although there are certainly some similarities among children with autism, the truth is that every child and every family is unique. What one friend needs as support may look very different from what another family may need.
Most importantly, don’t use an article you read, a TV show you watched, or another child you’ve met to try to find common ground. Your intentions may be good, but when someone does this to me, I feel more isolated than connected. It makes me feel like they are not interested in listening to me, but instead are finding a superficial way to connect and actually making it about them. Not a great feeling.
Instead, I invite you to ask questions and listen to the answers. Hold space for the very nuanced experience of parenting a neurodiverse child.
3. Be the community they need.
Every family needs their village. For those of us with autistic children, that can mean friends, family, and other people in the neurodiverse community. One of the ways you can support your friend who has a child with autism is to help them build that community.
When we were new parents to two children under 2 (one with sensorineural hearing loss and yet-to-be-diagnosed autism) we lived across the country from our families. Because of our son’s unpredictable behavior, we were very reticent to leave our children with babysitters. Luckily, our friends came to the rescue.
They would hold “girls’ night” at our house so that my husband and I could go out for date night. They would come over in a group and hang out while the kids were in bed so that we could go out and have peace of mind that our children were with people we trusted. I’m so grateful for this amazing group of friends.
Be the friend in your group who brings everyone together to help the parents who need it most.
4. Be flexible and don’t take unusual behavior personally.
Just as us parents try not to take our autistic children’s behavior personally, I hope that you can avoid taking our family’s unusual behavior personally, too.
As a parent to a neurodiverse child, I do my best to set routines and schedules to keep our family’s life running smoothly. Of course, that doesn’t always work. Sometimes we are late, we have to cancel at the last minute, or we have to leave an event suddenly without explanation. While there are many reasons these things happen, I can assure you of this: it’s not because of anything you’ve done as our friend.
Life simply requires a lot more flexibility as a parent of a neurodiverse child. As my friend, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate when you leave space for that flexibility and uncertainty.
5. Don’t pity them or their children.
I can safely say that most parents of children with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) are looking for empathy, not pity. Pity feels sad, like there’s something wrong with us. Empathy feels good, like you are invested in understanding how we feel.
If you have a friend who’s navigating a new diagnosis for their child, know that they are likely going through the many stages of grief and acceptance. This is a process that has no distinct timeline. It takes the time it takes. The best thing you can do as a friend is to just show up and listen. (See #1 for those active and empathetic listening skills.)
That said, as a parent who is not new to my child’s diagnosis, I am looking for friends to hold space for the challenges AND the joy of our family. Treat us like any other family. Celebrate with us. Welcome our quirky family into your life.
What to Do In 3 Common Scenarios
1. When your friend comes to you for advice.
First consider if they are actually asking for advice. So often we just need someone to listen to us with an open heart and open mind. Unless they specifically ask for advice, don’t assume that’s what they are after. It can be helpful to simply ask if you’re unsure, “Are you looking for help solving this? Or do you just need someone to listen? I’m here for whatever you need.”
As with all parenting advice, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. All children and families are unique. While sharing expert resources may be helpful at times, the best thing you can do is be available to listen and reflect back what they are saying with empathy.
2. When their child and your child want to have a playdate.
Take away the elephant in the room by simply asking what their child needs to feel welcome, safe, and relaxed. Ask questions like:
What are their interests? Favorite games/toys?
What do they like to eat? Favorite snacks?
How do they like to play? All the toys out at once or one thing at time?
Anything I should know to help them have a great time?
Consider talking to your child about neurodiversity in age-appropriate ways prior to a playdate, especially if this is a new friend. Encourage empathy and understanding by reinforcing the idea that some people’s brains work differently, and that this friend may want to play differently than other friends. Allow your child to ask questions and model the empathy and language you’d like them to use.
3. When your friend loses themselves in parenting and stops doing the things they used to enjoy.
Sound familiar? Most parents I know struggle with this at some point. We are all juggling so much it can be hard not to lose ourselves in the fray.
As a friend, just validating the struggle can go a long way. Sometimes it takes a trusted friend reaching out to realize how much we need help.
When you’re offering a hand, try to be specific. Most of us are constantly struggling with decision fatigue. If we can say an easy “Yes,” or “Thank you,” instead of making another choice, that’s a win! Consider offers like:
Dropping off a bag of groceries or favorite snacks on their porch.
Bring over something they can easily reheat for dinner.
“I’m going to be near your place Saturday. Can I come over to hang with the kids for an hour so that you have some alone time?”
To the Parents on the Receiving End: How to Accept Help When It’s Offered
For the parents of autistic children reading this, this part is for you. It’s a reminder that I have had to give myself many times over the years:
Friendship is a two-way street. As much as you want the people offering help to be empathetic and understanding of your circumstances, you need to offer the same to them.
I know how exhausting it can be to educate yourself, your child, your family AND your friends about all-things-autism. You may be at your max capacity just trying to make sure you’re doing all the “right” things for your child so they have what they need to thrive. That exhaustion is real and there are certainly times when a person’s offer to help is not actually helpful at all.
Use your voice. And your patience. Ask for what you need in the clearest way you can. This may be hard work, but this is your part of building the community that you will turn to time and time again over the years.
Invite the questions and celebrate curiosity. Your friends may start off asking the “wrong” questions, but then you’ll realize there are no “wrong” questions. As long as someone is trying to understand, do your best to encourage their curiosity so the support network for your child (and you!) continues to grow.
If you don’t have the bandwidth to explain yourself, I get it. That’s why I wrote this article. I hope you’ll share it with the next friend who asks how to help, and I hope that they will use it as a guide to give you what you need.
The Most Important Thing
If you take only one thing away from this article, I hope it’s this:
The best thing you can do to support your friend with an autistic child is to listen without pity, without ego, and with tons of empathy.
Being the friend with the open heart, open mind, and open ears is one of the best gifts you can give.
If you found these tips and stories helpful, connect with me on Instagram for conversations and support.
